*I wrote this post a few weeks ago and didn't post it immediately after I wrote it, I like to come back to posts like these so I can make sure I write everything I need to, and come from a place where the words come out right.
*This post is not to offend anyone, or call anyone out, or make anyone feel attacked. I am just trying to be as honest as I can about how I feel sometimes, and hope that it makes someone else feel better about feeling that way too. I am also completely aware that I'm not overweight. So please don't misinterpret this blog post.
I feel like this is never talked about. Like it's wrong or taboo to have these feelings when you are growing a baby inside you. The only thing people ever talk about on social media is the beautiful experience they have and how they are glowing and feel empowered. Well I call BULL! Don't get get me wrong. I feel like that I lot of the time. I feel beautiful and tough and I know that my body is growing my soul mate, but I don't think it's fair to pretend that I feel that like a goddess all of the time. First of all, your hormones are constantly out of whack...so you can't fool me! I know your emotions change like the direction of the wind! haha
It hit me that I needed to write this post when I was at the gym a few Saturdays ago. I woke up feeling pretty unattractive, which kind of put my in an off putting mood (sorry Logan). My face felt puffy, my stomach kind of hurt, and my arms just didn't look 'toned'. You get the picture. I just didn't feel good about myself. It has nothing to do with my precious child. It's just about not feeling confident. First of all: I still feel that on certain days, I just look like I have a belly instead of looking pregnant (my baby bump isn't really that round, it's more wide haha). So I am walking into the gym looking at all of the 'fit' girls (one of whom I am used to being) and walking over to the treadmill to walk not even run...walk....and I just got mad. My super hot husband is over there being shredded and I did not feel like his deserving sexy counterpart. I want to do sprints and squat 200 pounds, I just want to have that feeling when you feel like your lungs will burst. I don't want to be the pansy person at the gym...especially when I just look lazy and I don't even look pregnant. That was my stream of consciousness, hormones and all. I just felt insecure. Even though my husband called me his Hot Baby Momma and told me I was beautiful like 4 different times while I was there (which did help haha). My point is, I was just having a bad few hours. Those bad hours pail in comparison to the mostly good hours, but it's not fair to only talk about the good times. P.S. I'm not calling you lazy if you walk on the treadmill, I am just sharing with you my thought process for the first 10 minutes at the gym. So please don't take it that way. In reality, I am proud of my walking on the treadmill and that I am still managing to go to the gym and be active most days.
Or what about this, the fact that almost every mom you ever talk to tells you your body will never be the same. Don't get me wrong, I have grown out of a lot of my vanity, but do you think it's very comforting to tell someone that? Because ill tell you the answer...it's not. If I'm being honest, I don't even believe it and not really worried about it. But no matter how comfortable you are in your skin, those thoughts still go through your head. It's normal and I don't think its bad. How can it be bad to face those types of questions and come to conclusion for yourself?
Let's talk about how weird it is to be the only pregnant person in a group of friends? Obviously it isn't their fault you got preggo, but it still doesn't make it feel any less awkward at times. When you are at a party and everyone is drinking (or drunk) and you are just hanging out in your maternity shirt snacking on the veggies. The funny thing is, I don't drink anyway, but the big belly sticking out, adds an extra awkwardness at times. It's not that anyone does anything to make you feel this way, but it is an isolating feeling (at least in flashes).
What about when you are going on a date night with your hubby and you have nothing to wear, because even your flowy shirts aren't flowy anymore. Or when you have to buy a bigger size of underwear because you feel like your normal ones are cutting off the circulation to your torso. How about the the awkward stage of pregnancy where you just kind of loose your waist and people think you have put on "happy" weight because you are a newlywed? There are so many standards that our society has placed on women; and pregnancy has become this stage of life that you are supposed to enjoy every second of and then be able to wear your size 4 jeans when you leave the hospital. No one on social media ever talks about the Spanx they wear for the 3 months after the baby is born or any of the other things your body goes through (that I have yet to experience). We just see these perfect pictures and have unrealistic expectations.
The kicker to all of this, and the part I do understand is that when you feel your baby kick or hear her heart beat or see her little legs on the ultra sound you don't really care about yourself anymore. When I sit in the glider that we just got for her nursery and think about all of the late nights and early mornings, I get tears in my eyes. When I think about all of the ways I am going to protect her, it makes me feel like Super Woman. God made our bodies to be this incredible vessel and to create life. The magnitude of that gift out weights the feeling that creeps up in the back of your mind that makes you insecure about your body. Maybe next blog ill talk about all of the insecurities I have about labor! Cheers to all of you beautiful and capable mommas and preggos! You are a goddess with throw up on your shirt and 5 day dirty hair!